Beauty in Brokenness

In a previous post last year, “My Life as a PK!” I promised that I would detail my personal journey on how I came to know Christ. (Please read that previous post if you haven’t already!). Almost a year later and I have been called to finally write out my story. What better time than this when the world is at a halt with COVID-19 and we have to go back to the Source? I am going back to my Source y’all, my Creator. I am going back to the Joy of my salvation. As I travel down memory lane, please join me. The path from brokenness to wholeness has been a journey. I hope my transformation blesses you and inspires you. I understand this may be too much information, but if I inspire only one person, then this was well worth it.

As I mentioned before, my brothers and I were always in church! I mean 24/7, without missing a beat. Our parents are now ordained pastors, but even before that, they were devout Christians who made sure we worked our after school schedules around church obligations –not the other way around. While attending Sunday school and general Sunday services, I learned about God and what it means to be a Christian. I also learned about what it means to have the Holy Spirit living in me. In addition, I was a part of an amazing praise dance group, Divine Worshippers. There I learned how to pray, fast, and express myself via dance. It was all still unreal to me. I always questioned if I was faking this whole thing, but I went along with it for my parent’s sake.

Little did I know, all the seeds were being planted.

While this sounds like I was the perfect Christian, I was still a teenager trying to find my space among friend groups. In high school 2006, my twin brother, cousins, and I attended parties and gatherings where we had no business being. We were “hip” when it came to the latest secular songs and dance moves. My twin was (still is!) a DJ, so every party he played at, I was there in his entourage.  

That was my usual affair on Fridays & Saturdays. Then Sunday mornings, I would ask God for forgiveness and rest in the knowledge that I was cleansed, at least for the day. I was saved by the bell (or rather the blood!) This continued for many many years. Asking God for forgiveness became a norm; I was taking advantage of his grace. As I got older, the party crowd got larger, and the exposure even greater. Basements full of weed smoke and sweaty bodies was the usual outing. I tried smoking a few times, but my body couldn’t get jiggy with it. I settled on secondhand smoke in order to be deemed cool. 

Fast forward circa 2009, my usual routine came to a halt. My family left our home church of 10+ years. We still prayed as a family but we were no longer forced to go to church services. I was finally free!!! A year later, I left for college at the University of Pennsylvania. What I thought was freedom was anything but. I was bound and completely LOST. 

There was a hole in my heart that I needed to fill. Instead of filling it with God, I filled it with parties, alcohol, and sexual activities. I was a promiscuous virgin, if you will. I wanted to wait until marriage, but it became harder and harder to do so. I was always testing the fire to see how far I would go. In 2014, I was heart-broken and confused, I spent that year talking to and making out with so many men I honestly lost count. I endangered myself many times. Each encounter I had, I would applaud myself afterwards for having the strong willpower to say “No!”  I went to sleep each night (in my own bed!), happy that I was still a virgin. Talk about the crazies. 

I felt like I was too far gone. The hole in my heart had yet to be filled, but I knew I had to get back in the church.  In essence, I had to find Jesus for myself. Yes, I was a part of the gospel choir in college, I prayed and fasted when I needed to, but I did not have a relationship with the King! I was straddling the fence, trying to serve God and the world. I learned the hard way that life doesn’t work like that. 

I surrendered my life to God (for the 50th time) and I made a vow to myself that even if I went out on the weekends, I had to go to church bright and early Sunday mornings. No shaking. Slowly but surely, Friday and Saturday outings turned into Friday only outings. The parties I attended changed, my way of dressing changed. I no longer sought to sexually please men or myself. 

My story is still so long, but let’s fast forward one more time and get down to the nitty gritty. 

Last year 2019, I gave away my virginity. Was it to my boyfriend or husband? No. It was the total opposite of everything I had dreamed of. Did I feel like trash? Yes. I know you’re probably thinking: You’re an adult, you’re good to have sex as you please. Well, no. When you make a vow to yourself and God, it hits differently.

Truth be told: this was when I met Christ again! Despite the fact that I felt lost, confused, stupid, etc. I realized that Jesus still loves me. I hid behind my virginity for so long that I couldn’t imagine myself without the title. When that was all said and done, I had to redefine who I am in Christ. He reminded me that I am blessed. I am favored, I am loved. I am chosen. I am not bound by my sin and shame. I am healed. I am whole. I am renewed. I am redeemed. I am a Child of God. I broke out of the routine and traditions of my forefathers and have created an authentic relationship with my King.

While I can no longer say I am a virgin, I am now celibate until God brings me my earthly King….then it’s a wrap! lol I no longer attend basement parties. I have changed my friend/family groups. The things I used to do, I do them no more. The places I used to go, I go there no more. I involve myself with prayer groups, praise and worship teams, dance teams, and anything else that glorifies our King.

Christianity is no walk in the park, but I have been blessed to see that there is beauty in my brokenness. I’ve had my share of ups and downs. Family health at stake, death, grief, loss, medical school hardships, you name it! But I know one thing is for sure. God was and still is all in it. It is not an overnight process and to be honest, God is still working on me!! I am a strong believer in Jesus and Therapy now, and I am excited to be on this journey of wholeness!

You can be on this journey too. While your story may not be like mine, your story is still valid. I don’t have all the answers, but I can show you someone who does. If you wish to fill any holes in our heart with something tangible like Christ’s love, please feel free to reach out to me!

Jesus is alive!!

Love you,

Dr. Queen (Erika) 

Email: theanchorholds01@gmail.com

Instagram/Twitter: @queenakie 

10 Comments Add yours

  1. Kadie says:

    😭😭😭😭 Thank you for authenticity!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dr.QueenAkie says:

      Amen. God is doing something!

      Like

  2. Jasmine Kefel says:

    Such a beautiful read!!! You’re my inspiration queen!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dr.QueenAkie says:

      …and you are mine! 💜 thanks so much sis!

      Like

  3. I agree with Kadie, thank you for authenticity and breaking open your heart to share with us.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dr.QueenAkie says:

      Thank you so much Ryan! Means a lot! Hope you were blessed 💜

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I love your honesty and testimony. The Anchor Holds is exactly right. That song is one of my absolute favorites. Because He is are anchor. Thankful for your message. God’s love is amazing and like no other.

    Like

    1. Dr.QueenAkie says:

      Thank you so much Kathie! Glad you were blessed. God is the anchor indeed and we need not forget that. He loves us no matter what. Be blessed!

      Like

  5. Thanks for sharing your life, I relate in a way. God is good and may your healing be made whole. You are still His beloved🧡🧡

    Like

    1. Dr.QueenAkie says:

      Amen amen and amen! Thank you so much Feona. I appreciate the kind words. I’m glad you can relate! It’s reassuring knowing that I am not alone. We are in this together sis. Let’s keep holding on to God’s unchanging hands. Be blessed!

      Like

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