We’re in Season 28 Episode 2 of my life and while there has been a few changes in the cast members, someone seems to keep renewing their contract. FEAR.
Every episode, without a doubt, fear shows up with it’s ugly face tryna act all brand new. Just when I think I’ve identified and overcome it, it shows up in a new way; different hair, clothes, face, physique etc. You get the point . Truth be told, even as I am writing, I am on the verge of tears because it has shown up in yet a different way. I tend to run away from certain situations and resort to “focusing on school.” Although it’s priorities, fear is the underlying cause..
Whether it’s me running away from relationships or simply not writing as much as I should, fear is the underlying factor in me not progressing and achieving my personal goals. I’m so used to hiding behind books that I actually feel exposed–out in the open– when I am trying to live. It’s overwhelming. Queue the anxiety trips! My mind goes on a spiral about who sees me, what they think of me, how I see me, etc….basically a mind of jumbled thoughts.
It came to a point, however, that I stopped thinking. I refused to have anxious thoughts, but as a result I stopped thinking. I didn’t want to go down the road of “what ifs” so my imagination and dreams took a hit. I didn’t want to look or sound stupid so I stopped formulating my own opinions about certain matters.
Balancing school and social life was a fail. If I let myself have fun, I take an L on some med school assignments. If I submerged myself in school work and refuse all forms of fun, I take an L on social life. To be honest, I can’t function without a mix of both. As they say: “All play and no work makes Jack a dull boy.” The same is true for all work and no play.
FOMO (fear of missing out) shows up when I least expect it. Friends and family getting together while I’m stuck studying? Nah I’m calling everyone to see what they’re wearing, what they’re eating, who showed up etc etc lol it’s bad but I promise I’ve gotten better!
I accepted the fact that I need to mind my business and for me, studying is my business. It’s one of my main priorities and that’s ok.
I am still working on the balance. I am still working on overcoming fear and anxiety in every aspect. I’ve come to realize that it’s not a one and done battle. Instead, it’s a battle of peeling back the layer like onions. I will win this battle one layer at a time. Even if I have to cry through it.