Written 3/30/18. But still relevant for today.
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I KNOW, I KNOW who holds the future,
Life is worth a living. Just because He lives.
Christ rose three days after crucifixion, like he said he would. Because he lives, we know that we live on too. The things that held us back and held us down: our past, fear, death, doubt, insecurities, worthlessness, and more, was nailed to the cross! Never to be bothered with again. Our sins. Our sickness. Our defeat. All nailed to the cross. Sounds like a good story right? Well to be honest, it’s not just “a story” it is the truth.
What is truth? Webster Dictionary.
a (1) : the body of real things, events, and facts: an actuality. (2) : the state of being the case : fact 3a : sincerity in action, character, and utterance b archaic : fidelity, constancy 4 capitalized, Christian Science : God
Did you get that? Truth is a fact, an actuality, sincerity in action, character, and utterance. Truth is God.
This year 2018, I was given the word TRUTH as my word of the year. I declared that I would be truth, speak the truth, and live the truth. This pertained to the truth about myself, others, and of course God. After 25 years on this Earth, I realized that turning 26 would be no simple feat, and I needed to change that. I wasn’t a liar per se, but I didn’t declare my truths as boldly and frequently as I needed to. I oftentimes held back on things I wanted to say so others don’t feel bad. I had become a people pleaser, if you will. But enough was enough. I began to tell the truth about how I really felt. My first public act of speaking truth came March 11th when I had to bring the Word at my church. It was my time to speak the truth of about God.
Concerning myself, I uncovered truths about myself I didn’t know existed. I hid the truth so much that I even hid it from myself. I have a problem. Some sort of “complex” if you will. Apparently I am still going through insecurity issues. I thought I had dealt with it a long time ago, but it surfaced so quickly that I was blindsided by its happenings. I had to reevaluate myself. Is that jealousy I feel? Over a close friend whom I call sister??? I was disgusted with myself. How in the world did I become angry and moody in a moment? I couldn’t tell you, but I knew it was not of God.
I realized that I may have put a bandage over my childhood insecurities. I hated my big nose and asymmetrical face. Oh and lets not talk about my teeth! I had beautiful straight teeth when I was young and I took pride in my black gums. But somewhere down the line, my teeth started to do its own thing. I hate my teeth, but I love my smile. Weird right? lol . In middle school, a classmate said I had a “discombobulated” nose. With the quickest comeback, I brought attention to his “discombobulated” teeth and the whole class erupted in laughter. Although used in the wrong context, I realized he had just learned a big word so he needed to use it somehow. But it hurt. I went home each day that week and cried my little eyes out in the mirror. I would stare at my nose and tell myself how ugly I was and how much my nose spanned my face, much like the distance from New Jersey to California. As I stared and cursed myself, I was reminded of my dark skin. I was one of two dark skinned girls in my class (maybe even in my school) and I hated it! Why did God make me so black??? Pitched black with no light in sight. Oh, I should add that I had very kinky hair AND I wore glasses, as if that wasn’t enough! So picture a dark-skinned, four eyes, kinky haired girl with a big nose. Yep that was me. Definitely not the prettiest girl. Or so I felt.
Back to the bathroom scene: One day, my Mom caught me crying in the mirror. When she asked why I was crying, I explained my insecurities, and she immediately reminded me of several truths: “You are fearfully and wonderfully made! God loves you just the way you are my daughter. You need to love yourself!. If you don’t love yourself, then who will love you?”…“Besides, you are my very own daughter and I know I didn’t make an ugly daughter! If you’re so ugly then what does that make me?” she asked. “But, Mom, you’re very beautiful and I don’t look like you,” I whined. “Please, stop that right now. You look like your grandmother and I. We all have the same nose. I beg you, please cut it out and get out the bathroom I gotta use it.” I laughed. Liberian parents have a way of shutting you down and boosting your confidence all in one moment. Thereafter, things shifted. My family made a more conscience decision to remind me how beautiful I am. Whatever I wore, my mom would hype me up saying, “Oooo, look at my beautiful daughter! Come let me see you goot goot (Liberian accent for good good). Wow! God didn’t play when he made you!” I began to see the Queen that I am. I began to fall in love with every inch of myself. The color of my skin, the texture of my hair, oh and the size of my nose! I fell in love with me.
Fast forward, 12 years, I figured out this truth the insecurities never went away. I just learned how to adapt. I grew into my nose so its not as big but I’m realizing that these flaws are reminders for me to always stay humble. If I say my happiness and joy is in Christ, I need to be satisfied with how he made me.
Interestingly enough, the insecurities permeated over into my academic life. I felt inadequate at times. Not so much because of my looks, but because I felt I couldn’t measure up to others around me (yes, they were beautiful and handsome folks). I wasn’t getting the grades I knew I could get. I wasn’t failing, but I wasn’t acing exams either. Imagine graduating valedictorian in high school, graduating from Ivy League school with Honors in my major, only to go to med school to be subpar….that doesn’t sound right. Yes, thank God I got into med school (that’s a story all in itself) but I couldn’t fathom how I wasnt a top achiever anymore. However, because I didn’t want to be more stressed I became content with just passing. “As long as I pass, I can be a doctor,” I told myself. “I don’t need to be at the top of my class all the time.” Lo and behold, I sacrificed myself. I didn’t challenge myself the way I knew how, and now, it is costing me.
The goal was to “just pass” COMP (Comprehensive exam taken by all international medical students at the end of their basic sciences semesters) and then focus on STEP 1. It went something like this: 1st try: We regret to inform you… 2nd try: we regret to—- … I was done! I studied, I prayed, but still it wasn’t enough. I was down for the count. I uttered the words “I give up” through flooded eyes. I was tired of failing y’all. Beyond tired. There was no end in sight. I felt like I was being dragged in the mud of the deepest valley. Each time I try to come up, something kept holding me back. Was it the devil or was God trying to expose a blessing in disguise? I honestly don’t know………….. (Addendum: After 1 wk of dwelling in my sadness, something rose up within me and I decided to go back for another fight. I didn’t like the feeling of giving up. I took the exam for the 3rd time and I still didn’t pass. *queue another period of ugly crying, grief, and pity smh It wasn’t until the 4th time that I went in to pass COMP and later STEP 1. FOUR times y’all. I took that exam FOUR times smh. I learned a lot throughout that that period. Story time later but for starters, I learned to let go and let God.)
The same power that rose Christ from the grave is the same power that lives in me today, right now. I have that power to be more than a conqueror. The battle is already won. I just need to believe it. I need to believe the unshakable truth of Christ and how he wants the best for me. I understand God has a plan for me. Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favorite verses. It helped me through college and I know it will help me now. God has a plan for me and I am looking forward to see where this is going.
So yea, lemme wrap this up. With this being my year of truth, here are some truths that I use:
I am more than a conqueror
I am the head and not the tail
I am above and not beneath
I am a masterpiece of God
I am a daughter of the King
I am free
I am beautiful
I am an overcomer
I am an overachiever
Jesus didn’t die on the cross and shed blood for no reason. I am no longer held down by my own guilt, shame, doubt, fears, failures, and insecurities. It is finished. I am alive. I am free.
You are free too. Christ not only died for me, but he died for you too. Lets walk on this journey together. Let’s live in freedom.
Dr. Queen 💜