Compartments

Vulnerability. It’s something I’ve struggled with for so long. Even now, I’m a little on edge because I am putting a bit of my heart out there for the world see. However, I know that I am not alone. This particular piece ripped me to the core when I originally wrote it on November 14, 2017 @ 12:30am (yes I keep records of dates and times lol). I was able to share it with colleagues at my school a month later, but since then, it’s been sitting around. To be honest, fear of being vulnerable held it in bondage. This poem was birthed after a revelation that I wasn’t vulnerable with myself, others, and even God; yes the all-knowing, all-present, all-powerful God. I held back closed off parts of my heart from him, even though he already knew everything. Why? I don’t know the root cause,  but its a mixture of the following: shame, guilt, unworthiness, incompetence, frustration, regret, brokenness, etc. Although God knows us more than we know ourselves, he still wants us to talk to him and trust him with our day-to-day lives. He wants us to allow Him to love us just the way we are. Personally, I am still working on this, but I know God has a plan. 

Please read and comment your interpretations and reflections. I started the conversation, but I need your help continuing it. What does vulnerability look like to you? Any advise for those of us struggling to be vulnerable in all aspects of our lives? 

COMPARTMENTS
Confined.
Within.
Withheld.
Held in.
No mix ups.
There, there, and there.
There!
All cleaned up.
Every thought, every feeling
Placed into their respective rooms.
Like guests at a resort
Each room is occupied
Some for joyous occasions
Others for sorrowful situations
The pain, the hurt.
They are there too.
Never to be dealt with again.
Or so I think.
If it's not a call down for room service
Wanting the best of the best
Then it's housekeeping knocking on the door
Tryna Clean out the worst
Although it's supposed to be hidden
It is inevitably exposed
It wants to be relevant
Or rather--
Released.
It's been holed up, cooped up, shunned up
for weeks, months, and even years.
These feelings want to be free.
My feelings want to feel.

I must admit, I detach myself from feeling
I even detach my feelings from feeling
The longer the distance, the better it is for me
These are the lies I tell myself to live
But It's not better
It just...is what it is.
I'm caring yet cold hearted
Loving yet unlovable
Faithful yet faithless
The truth must come out
True feelings must come out
Is it okay to feel?
Well, Duh!
It IS okay to feel
It IS okay to be
Okay, Then Why am I like this?
The owner of this resort
Locking everyone and everything into their room
No matter how badly they want to come out
Needless to say,
It's a Beautiful island
With Wonderful beaches
And Breathtaking views
This place was made for royalty
The lobby looks exquisite
Like a throne of grace
A throne made for a Queen
A mysterious Queen, that is
Have you seen the rooms, though?
It was made for prisoners
shabby, dirty, and hopeless
How could one stay like this
How could one not feel?
Cold, numb, emotionless.
How could one abandon self?
How?

The world may never know

Wait! Don't go.
Come.
Enter into the room at the end of the hall
You've found it!
Nah, It's not the whole truth,
It's everything but the full truth
It's The biggest room of all
The only room with light
Filled with passion, laughter, hope, and joy
This light radiates warmth
Heavy weight heat
Yet still, it rises
It's the only thing that I allow myself to feel
It's the only thing I allow others to feel
Always positive
Always bright
Always shining
24/7, around the clock
But enough is enough
I'm tired of the motions
I want to live
I want to feel emotions
I won't hinder it or neither will I force it
When the time comes, it comes
The other rooms WILL get light
That I do believe
Until then, the doors will be secured.
Chain locks on the outside
To be opened by Truth.
The whole Truth
And nothing but the full Truth.


-Dr. QueenAkie 

8 Comments Add yours

  1. Jasmine Jedy says:

    This poem touches me so deeply. I too have struggled with vulnerability in basically every aspect of my life. I felt liberated after reading this poem. It made me feel as though i didn’t have to hide certain parts of me out of fear of seeming weak and incapable. It made me feel like it’s okay to let someone to see those parts of me that incites fear. I’m willing to let God in, ready for him to break those chains on the outside and help me clean up some of this mess.

    Like

    1. Dr.QueenAkie says:

      Amen!! Thank you for your honesty. In regards to letting God in, I am with you! I pray he sees us through ’cause boy is it messy in here! I love how you mentioned it’s okay to let someone see parts of you that incites fear. I’m still weighing the benefits of that. How do you distinguish between being vulnerable and just “putting all your business out there” ?

      Like

  2. Kadie says:

    “Compartments”!!! This poem was completely inspired by the Holy Spirit. I know because it releases a convicting yet loving message. I feel like I can tell all of my story now including the truths I’ve hidden from myself. “Now the Lord is the spirit and where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom!” Thank you for sharing 💜

    Like

    1. Dr.QueenAkie says:

      Amen!! Thank you for joining in on this freedom. God truly wants us to be free with him and I am so glad you brought up the fact that it is convicting, yet loving. Each time I read it, I feel a passionate God who really wants to help, if only we let him. Any advise on how to be vulnerable with God, self, and others?

      Like

  3. Samika J. says:

    Wow. Speechless!!! Very impactful piece. I love how you personified your emotions, comparing them to a resort that is beautiful yet, isolated. I can relate to this piece because I definitely have mastered the art of dividing my core …so much so to the point where I feel that I have lost myself. I love this!! You captured digging deeper into the feeling of feelings. Much love, Queen!

    Like

    1. Dr.QueenAkie says:

      Yes! That’s exactly how I felt when writing this; I’ve literally divided my core so much that I lost myself!!! I’m glad that this has resonated with you and I pray that we will be able to feel our feelings sooner rather than later. Have you done anything in particular to avoid compartmentalizing your feelings and emotions? If so, please share! Love you!

      Like

      1. Samika says:

        I am a work in progress. However, I find yoga, meditation, and gratitude to be my main ways of centering and grounding myself. These particular exercises make me feel whole again and again. 🙂 I love you more sis!

        Like

      2. Dr.QueenAkie says:

        I love this! I have found that gratitude has worked for me in the past. I need to start back up again. Thanks for the reminder 💜

        Like

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